Personal Life Reflections

"Uncertainty Forever Lies…" – Mariah Carey

My Life is Mess

Nothing is ever going right in my life right now. Good thing I was able to solve emergency issues at work.

But my life is pretty much empty outside work. Single. No boyfriend. No luck. I am in my early 30s.

I want to travel instead, but I am too afraid to travel alone. If I can only do it once, then maybe I can do more in the future.

People tell me to pray my hardest so God would send that special someone for me. I never believed in that, but I met this wonderful individual. It was an unexpected meeting. I started praying. Almost, but not quite. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be. I just have to let it go.

I wonder what life is in store for me. I stay at home for the most part. The only thing positive is my work. I have the money to do what I want, but I am too scared to go out there. I am a mess! My social anxiety is killing the hell out of me!

I remember my sister told me I deserve to live alone because I don’t want to be around people. I have social anxiety, for Christ’s sake!

Life is hard for people like me. It is a torment. ūüė¶

I wonder if God is looking down at me. I’m here, Lord. Don’t forget me!


When People Mock You

It always is a bitter feeling when people look down on you. It can be so bad that you would get to the point where you start to question your self value.

Sometimes It Gets to You

I personally experience being bullied and belittled by other people. The sad part is that it happens outside and inside my home. I could not get the peace that I want that I would rather stay outside the house and go home at bedtime. That way, I don’t have to deal with those people at home. The people that I am talking about are not members of my family. They live with us but they are not family. I don’t really want to expand more on this, but it is what it is.

They talk too much behind my back and there are times that I could hear what they are talking about. And if it was about me, they would mock about me being single in my late twenties while others, my age, are getting married. Like duh! They would laugh about me being grumpy because I don’t have a boyfriend. Seriously? I got problems that makes me grumpy. Geez! And they always had something to say about my looks, my dress, and all. They are too full of themselves that they would mock at how ugly I am. I know I shouldn’t be mad. But sometimes, I get irritated by people who call others ugly when they look awful themselves, like seriously. Anyway, I learned to laugh it all out.

When you hear negative things about you, sometimes, it just gets to you. I’m not always in a good mood, or the circumstances is not always in my favor that I can’t‚Äč always laugh or shrug it off. A person can only take so much.

Falling into the Trap of Negativity

When it gets to me, I often fall into the trap of thinking poorly about myself because of the things that were said about me. I succumb to self pity. I would feel hurt. I get mad. I want to get back at them.

It is tough to remain composed when emotional turmoil starts within me. It affects me emotionally and psychologically. I tend to forget who I am. I think this is a dangerous thing. The negative effect can be self destructive. I have developed social anxiety because of this.

Compose Yourself and Be Formidable

I watched tons of inspirational videos on Youtube. My favorite one is a video of Salma Hayek wherein she talked about bullying. She said that the problem is not the person getting bullied but the one who bullies. They may have experiences in their life where people surrounding them belittle them, telling them they are not good enough. So, in order for them to feel better of themselves, they would put it out on others, looking down at them and belittling them. They think that by putting others down makes them above them. And it makes them feel better. Bottomline is that it is not you, it is them.

Now, when you are on other side of the road, the one getting mocked, looked down, and belittled, you have to remind yourself of who you are. You are not what they say you are. I know it is easier said than done, but you have to be formidable. Otherwise, you would fall into the trap of negativity. People will eat you up. This is a cruel world.

Now, if they mock me because I don’t have a boyfriend, so what? Yes, I don’t have a boyfriend, anything else?

If they mock me because they find me ugly, okay, that is their opinion. I work hard to lessen my acne scars with diamond peel and etc. I may not have a perfect skin, but, to me, I look decent and that is what  matters. And if make up is edible, I would give it to them for free (If you know what I mean).

What bothers me, though, is that there are people who have the audacity to call others ugly when they do not look that good at all. Geez! Realistically speaking, for me, confidently beautiful people would be apologetic to call others ugly because they know they are blessed with good looks and others are just unfortunate. It would be a shame to do that. It is like adding insult to injury. I mean, come on!

It is not easy to be mocked, so it is wise to stay composed and be formidable. Life will not stop when people say you are like this and that. Words are powerful, no matter how meaningless one may say against you, if you let them in, it can negatively affect you. Always stay on track and never forget who you are. That will be your shield.

Have you experienced being mocked? What did you do to cope up? Share your thoughts on the comment section below. I would love to hear what you guys did to maintain your composure, as well as how you handled those who said bad things about you.


Outdoors Pump My Endorphins – Home-Based Employee

I went out early this morning to do something. I had to, it’s not like I wanted to. I usually stay at home unless I need to carry out a chore. Anyway, once I was out, I enjoyed the morning sunshine.

You see, my work is home-based. I am single, in my late twenties, a homie, and aloof type. Yeah, you name it. Life has always been bland and quiet for the past 6 years.

So, the thing is, I don’t always go outdoors. I stay at home most of the time. Before working home-based, I was actually thrilled to finally get to work at the comfort of my home. But then years later, things felt boring and empty. I am earning, though, I am not complaining about that. It’s just the deprivation of socialization started to kick in and it’s getting frustrating by the day.

I know I have the choice to go out and do my thing. But then, my personality is not the outgoing, adventurous, nor spontaneous type. I can be spontaneous at times, but that’s pretty much it.

I have few friends, but are mostly busy building their lives and their future, so I don’t get to meet them as often whenever or even if I want to. Life is tough. Although there can be other tougher problems to deal with, but then the psychological effects, the stress, it’s just isn’t healthy anymore. One thing I noticed since late last year is how bad my body copes up with stress. I get anxiety/panic attacks, irritable bowel syndrome, throat spasm, hyperacidity, and eczema. It’s pretty bad.

Today, I felt glad I went out. I actually finished what I had to do in less than 20 minutes, including the hike. I intended to hike to get that much needed sun exposure. Not only have I deprived myself from socialization, but also from sunlight and vitamin D. Upon going back home, I decided to stop and drop by a waiting shed. I thought it was too early to go home. I wanted to enjoy being outside. And it felt great!

I watched the cars driving along the highway. I looked at what the other people were doing. I enjoyed watching their happy faces. It brought smile to my face. I know these are the little things. The little things that I don’t get to see and experience everyday. I still had to work, but I decided to stay a little bit more. If I could have more time, I would have stayed there and enjoyed the view, the sound, the people, the activity, the happening. The thirst is real, I’m telling you.

And then I bumped into an old neighbor of mine. I smiled at him. He smiled at me and asked me what I was doing. It was a short conversation, but a light one. It definitely brightened my morning. That neighbor I see everyday, we didn’t get to have a little chit chat before that. Crazy! (what I have been doing¬†in¬†my life)

Anyway, the smell of outdoors pumps the release of my endorphins. I just realized that. It was so easy to smile at random people. The feeling was absolutely great. I felt that happiness. Today was a good one for me. When I got home, I checked my phone and I received a good news. The day just got better.

It’s always great to start the day with a smile. I hope I would be able to break that wall and create a routine wherein I could get that happy and positive vibes no matter what the situation is. Working at home deprives you of that much needed sunlight if you are not too cautious about your health. Coping up with stress becomes harder. Stress feeds depression and other physical illness. In order to fight that, I realized you have to be more engaged. Go out, get sun exposure, meet with people, or take a stroll. Give yourself that breath of fresh air.

It does help ease the stress and that feeling of isolation. To others out there who are also working home-based, especially those who are like me, still single and aloof type, do you have the same issues? How about those who aren’t aloof but are also working home-based? How do you balance your social life?



Resist Getting Twisted in Love

I am sitting at my desk thinking about what to write for my blog. At the same time, I am also listening to Mariah Carey’s old songs. And then I purposely played the song, “Rooftop.” Things just get to me again – Getting twisted in love.

In the past year, I was battling with a heartbreak. I thought there was something between us but he had other things in mind, so. I tried fighting and moving on. God knows I was so sure I have moved on (haha!).

It’s been over a year now. I casually see him sometimes with common friends, and I am just relieved and happy because I no longer feel the same way as before. It’s a feeling of pain seeing the person you loved and him talking about other girls and, yeah, terrible. I won’t go even further.

So, after more than a year, here he comes again. Just when I thought I had moved on, something is pulling me back to him. I always tell myself to not even think about it. But then when he comes along, I just get lost, for some reason.

I was showing signs of vulnerabily. And I might not want to admit it, but I wasn’t over him, that’s for sure. Just like any of you, I tried Googling about getting out of this situation, even watched a lot of videos on youtube.

But back with the song Rooftop, it just hit me.

Guilty as charged. I am a huge Mariah Carey fan. Most of her songs that aren’t as popular as the ones you often hear, are really beautiful and well written. You just get to reflect on the songs and relate to them. Anyway, Mariah’s writing is impeccable as ever, we’ll leave it at that.

In the song she writes, “and my heart was pounding, my inner voice resounding, begging me to turn away but I just had to see your face to feel alive.”

You are telling yourself, “this is not right”, or, “you’ve moved on”, and “there no point in turning back.” But your heart tends to control your mind, urging you to go for it. There’s that excitement or thrill of feeling that euphoria being with the person again. Your mind gets twisted that you tend to do things that you know you shouldn’t.

And she continues, “and then you causally walked in the room, and I was twisted in the web of my desire for you.”

Clearly not over him or her. You thought you’ve moved on, but there’s a little something that’s left there. And the moment you see the person, your mind just get twisted. You mind tells you to leave, but your body won’t.

And then she goes, “I was so caught up in the moment, I couldn’t bear to let you go.”

And then you just succumb to it. The thing that you’ve worked for, saving your self, preserving what’s left in you. And then what?

At the height of the moment, when you allow yourself to be swallowed by your intensified feelings for the other person, you get back to square one. The painful part is that there’s no guarantee of commitment on his part, and you know that from the beginning, and you let it slipped off your mind because you still got something for the other person.

This is what’s been messing in my mind, that’s why I get to relate to the song, which led me to write something about it. A month ago, I was so totally like what the song says. A friend helped me realized to get over it. I can say now that I am able to draw the line.

The way I see it, getting twisted in love happens because we want to be accepted by the other person. We tend to be what we’re not to fit to the other person’s needs. I’ve watched some guys say this over youtube, they said there’s nothing you could have done to make him stay. It’s not your fault. You know how it is when the other one leaves, you keep thinking about what you could or couldn’t have done to make him or her stay. It drives you crazy.

That one also helped me a lot. It made me realized that I am beginning to be that person so I could keep him. I was afraid I would lose him again. And so I forgot about myself. I forgot who I was. And that hit me. I said to myself, I can’t go on being that and feeling that way.

Ultimately, the way to saving yourself is to love yourself. It may sound hard when you’re preoccupied about your feelings for the other person, but you take that person out your mind and only think about yourself. Do not succumb to it. Nothing is ever guaranteed if you push it. I am talking about a person who just couldn’t commit. The one who enjoys the push and pull and never have any intention of moving things forward whatsoever.

The only thing you gain from that is pain. Sometimes, we just have to get over with our madness to get back to ourselves. Do you have similar experiences? Like you want to get over him or her, but once he or she comes to you, you come running back? Or, have you been fed up with the push and pull and just got the hell out of it?

I Am So Back!

The very first posting I’ve had was still in 2015. I just had a lot of things going on for me. It’s not like I was busy doing all the stuffs in my life. There are those moments that I just prefer doing nothing and just thinking. And then I realized time has passed and I didn’t really got to do something.

I don’t know if you guys had the same experience. It seems sort of like my¬†excuse for being lazy. Haha! I know! I love writing, but sometimes, it pains me to sit and think of ideas. Thinking about that, I’d rather sit back and do nothing. Yup. I know. Terrible.

I truly hope for things¬†to change this year. I would want to fill this blog instead of keeping it all in my brain. Sometimes, it drains you to the point that you’d feel physically weak.

Anyway, enough of that. Please look forward to my future posts. Leave comments if you want to. I would be glad to get to know new people online.

The Start of 2015

Hello everyone. First off, I’d like to welcome you all to my blog. I think it’s been one or a couple of ¬†years since I created this site. I wasn’t able to start posting my articles as I had been very busy with work.

I am the kind of person who thinks a lot at times and I use writing as my therapy. Initially,this is why I decided to put up this blog. Now, it’s pretty much for the same purpose, but I would like to just feel the freedom of saying things out loud.

Anyway, this post is a brief introduction for me to welcome you all. Please anticipate the things that I’d be sharing in here. It would be most about personal life wherein you and me¬†could be going through. We could all¬†reflect¬†on it and I hope it would send a message that anyone out there is not alone of whatever he/she/you¬†are going through. Until then…


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