I am sitting at my desk thinking about what to write for my blog. At the same time, I am also listening to Mariah Carey’s old songs. And then I purposely played the song, “Rooftop.” Things just get to me again – Getting twisted in love.
In the past year, I was battling with a heartbreak. I thought there was something between us but he had other things in mind, so. I tried fighting and moving on. God knows I was so sure I have moved on (haha!).
It’s been over a year now. I casually see him sometimes with common friends, and I am just relieved and happy because I no longer feel the same way as before. It’s a feeling of pain seeing the person you loved and him talking about other girls and, yeah, terrible. I won’t go even further.
So, after more than a year, here he comes again. Just when I thought I had moved on, something is pulling me back to him. I always tell myself to not even think about it. But then when he comes along, I just get lost, for some reason.
I was showing signs of vulnerabily. And I might not want to admit it, but I wasn’t over him, that’s for sure. Just like any of you, I tried Googling about getting out of this situation, even watched a lot of videos on youtube.
But back with the song Rooftop, it just hit me.
Guilty as charged. I am a huge Mariah Carey fan. Most of her songs that aren’t as popular as the ones you often hear, are really beautiful and well written. You just get to reflect on the songs and relate to them. Anyway, Mariah’s writing is impeccable as ever, we’ll leave it at that.
In the song she writes, “and my heart was pounding, my inner voice resounding, begging me to turn away but I just had to see your face to feel alive.”
You are telling yourself, “this is not right”, or, “you’ve moved on”, and “there no point in turning back.” But your heart tends to control your mind, urging you to go for it. There’s that excitement or thrill of feeling that euphoria being with the person again. Your mind gets twisted that you tend to do things that you know you shouldn’t.
And she continues, “and then you causally walked in the room, and I was twisted in the web of my desire for you.”
Clearly not over him or her. You thought you’ve moved on, but there’s a little something that’s left there. And the moment you see the person, your mind just get twisted. You mind tells you to leave, but your body won’t.
And then she goes, “I was so caught up in the moment, I couldn’t bear to let you go.”
And then you just succumb to it. The thing that you’ve worked for, saving your self, preserving what’s left in you. And then what?
At the height of the moment, when you allow yourself to be swallowed by your intensified feelings for the other person, you get back to square one. The painful part is that there’s no guarantee of commitment on his part, and you know that from the beginning, and you let it slipped off your mind because you still got something for the other person.
This is what’s been messing in my mind, that’s why I get to relate to the song, which led me to write something about it. A month ago, I was so totally like what the song says. A friend helped me realized to get over it. I can say now that I am able to draw the line.
The way I see it, getting twisted in love happens because we want to be accepted by the other person. We tend to be what we’re not to fit to the other person’s needs. I’ve watched some guys say this over youtube, they said there’s nothing you could have done to make him stay. It’s not your fault. You know how it is when the other one leaves, you keep thinking about what you could or couldn’t have done to make him or her stay. It drives you crazy.
That one also helped me a lot. It made me realized that I am beginning to be that person so I could keep him. I was afraid I would lose him again. And so I forgot about myself. I forgot who I was. And that hit me. I said to myself, I can’t go on being that and feeling that way.
Ultimately, the way to saving yourself is to love yourself. It may sound hard when you’re preoccupied about your feelings for the other person, but you take that person out your mind and only think about yourself. Do not succumb to it. Nothing is ever guaranteed if you push it. I am talking about a person who just couldn’t commit. The one who enjoys the push and pull and never have any intention of moving things forward whatsoever.
The only thing you gain from that is pain. Sometimes, we just have to get over with our madness to get back to ourselves. Do you have similar experiences? Like you want to get over him or her, but once he or she comes to you, you come running back? Or, have you been fed up with the push and pull and just got the hell out of it?