Personal Life Reflections

"Uncertainty Forever Lies…" – Mariah Carey


August 2016

Outdoors Pump My Endorphins – Home-Based Employee

I went out early this morning to do something. I had to, it’s not like I wanted to. I usually stay at home unless I need to carry out a chore. Anyway, once I was out, I enjoyed the morning sunshine.

You see, my work is home-based. I am single, in my late twenties, a homie, and aloof type. Yeah, you name it. Life has always been bland and quiet for the past 6 years.

So, the thing is, I don’t always go outdoors. I stay at home most of the time. Before working home-based, I was actually thrilled to finally get to work at the comfort of my home. But then years later, things felt boring and empty. I am earning, though, I am not complaining about that. It’s just the deprivation of socialization started to kick in and it’s getting frustrating by the day.

I know I have the choice to go out and do my thing. But then, my personality is not the outgoing, adventurous, nor spontaneous type. I can be spontaneous at times, but that’s pretty much it.

I have few friends, but are mostly busy building their lives and their future, so I don’t get to meet them as often whenever or even if I want to. Life is tough. Although there can be other tougher problems to deal with, but then the psychological effects, the stress, it’s just isn’t healthy anymore. One thing I noticed since late last year is how bad my body copes up with stress. I get anxiety/panic attacks, irritable bowel syndrome, throat spasm, hyperacidity, and eczema. It’s pretty bad.

Today, I felt glad I went out. I actually finished what I had to do in less than 20 minutes, including the hike. I intended to hike to get that much needed sun exposure. Not only have I deprived myself from socialization, but also from sunlight and vitamin D. Upon going back home, I decided to stop and drop by a waiting shed. I thought it was too early to go home. I wanted to enjoy being outside. And it felt great!

I watched the cars driving along the highway. I looked at what the other people were doing. I enjoyed watching their happy faces. It brought smile to my face. I know these are the little things. The little things that I don’t get to see and experience everyday. I still had to work, but I decided to stay a little bit more. If I could have more time, I would have stayed there and enjoyed the view, the sound, the people, the activity, the happening. The thirst is real, I’m telling you.

And then I bumped into an old neighbor of mine. I smiled at him. He smiled at me and asked me what I was doing. It was a short conversation, but a light one. It definitely brightened my morning. That neighbor I see everyday, we didn’t get to have a little chit chat before that. Crazy! (what I have been doing in my life)

Anyway, the smell of outdoors pumps the release of my endorphins. I just realized that. It was so easy to smile at random people. The feeling was absolutely great. I felt that happiness. Today was a good one for me. When I got home, I checked my phone and I received a good news. The day just got better.

It’s always great to start the day with a smile. I hope I would be able to break that wall and create a routine wherein I could get that happy and positive vibes no matter what the situation is. Working at home deprives you of that much needed sunlight if you are not too cautious about your health. Coping up with stress becomes harder. Stress feeds depression and other physical illness. In order to fight that, I realized you have to be more engaged. Go out, get sun exposure, meet with people, or take a stroll. Give yourself that breath of fresh air.

It does help ease the stress and that feeling of isolation. To others out there who are also working home-based, especially those who are like me, still single and aloof type, do you have the same issues? How about those who aren’t aloof but are also working home-based? How do you balance your social life?




Resist Getting Twisted in Love

I am sitting at my desk thinking about what to write for my blog. At the same time, I am also listening to Mariah Carey’s old songs. And then I purposely played the song, “Rooftop.” Things just get to me again – Getting twisted in love.

In the past year, I was battling with a heartbreak. I thought there was something between us but he had other things in mind, so. I tried fighting and moving on. God knows I was so sure I have moved on (haha!).

It’s been over a year now. I casually see him sometimes with common friends, and I am just relieved and happy because I no longer feel the same way as before. It’s a feeling of pain seeing the person you loved and him talking about other girls and, yeah, terrible. I won’t go even further.

So, after more than a year, here he comes again. Just when I thought I had moved on, something is pulling me back to him. I always tell myself to not even think about it. But then when he comes along, I just get lost, for some reason.

I was showing signs of vulnerabily. And I might not want to admit it, but I wasn’t over him, that’s for sure. Just like any of you, I tried Googling about getting out of this situation, even watched a lot of videos on youtube.

But back with the song Rooftop, it just hit me.

Guilty as charged. I am a huge Mariah Carey fan. Most of her songs that aren’t as popular as the ones you often hear, are really beautiful and well written. You just get to reflect on the songs and relate to them. Anyway, Mariah’s writing is impeccable as ever, we’ll leave it at that.

In the song she writes, “and my heart was pounding, my inner voice resounding, begging me to turn away but I just had to see your face to feel alive.”

You are telling yourself, “this is not right”, or, “you’ve moved on”, and “there no point in turning back.” But your heart tends to control your mind, urging you to go for it. There’s that excitement or thrill of feeling that euphoria being with the person again. Your mind gets twisted that you tend to do things that you know you shouldn’t.

And she continues, “and then you causally walked in the room, and I was twisted in the web of my desire for you.”

Clearly not over him or her. You thought you’ve moved on, but there’s a little something that’s left there. And the moment you see the person, your mind just get twisted. You mind tells you to leave, but your body won’t.

And then she goes, “I was so caught up in the moment, I couldn’t bear to let you go.”

And then you just succumb to it. The thing that you’ve worked for, saving your self, preserving what’s left in you. And then what?

At the height of the moment, when you allow yourself to be swallowed by your intensified feelings for the other person, you get back to square one. The painful part is that there’s no guarantee of commitment on his part, and you know that from the beginning, and you let it slipped off your mind because you still got something for the other person.

This is what’s been messing in my mind, that’s why I get to relate to the song, which led me to write something about it. A month ago, I was so totally like what the song says. A friend helped me realized to get over it. I can say now that I am able to draw the line.

The way I see it, getting twisted in love happens because we want to be accepted by the other person. We tend to be what we’re not to fit to the other person’s needs. I’ve watched some guys say this over youtube, they said there’s nothing you could have done to make him stay. It’s not your fault. You know how it is when the other one leaves, you keep thinking about what you could or couldn’t have done to make him or her stay. It drives you crazy.

That one also helped me a lot. It made me realized that I am beginning to be that person so I could keep him. I was afraid I would lose him again. And so I forgot about myself. I forgot who I was. And that hit me. I said to myself, I can’t go on being that and feeling that way.

Ultimately, the way to saving yourself is to love yourself. It may sound hard when you’re preoccupied about your feelings for the other person, but you take that person out your mind and only think about yourself. Do not succumb to it. Nothing is ever guaranteed if you push it. I am talking about a person who just couldn’t commit. The one who enjoys the push and pull and never have any intention of moving things forward whatsoever.

The only thing you gain from that is pain. Sometimes, we just have to get over with our madness to get back to ourselves. Do you have similar experiences? Like you want to get over him or her, but once he or she comes to you, you come running back? Or, have you been fed up with the push and pull and just got the hell out of it?

I Am So Back!

The very first posting I’ve had was still in 2015. I just had a lot of things going on for me. It’s not like I was busy doing all the stuffs in my life. There are those moments that I just prefer doing nothing and just thinking. And then I realized time has passed and I didn’t really got to do something.

I don’t know if you guys had the same experience. It seems sort of like my excuse for being lazy. Haha! I know! I love writing, but sometimes, it pains me to sit and think of ideas. Thinking about that, I’d rather sit back and do nothing. Yup. I know. Terrible.

I truly hope for things to change this year. I would want to fill this blog instead of keeping it all in my brain. Sometimes, it drains you to the point that you’d feel physically weak.

Anyway, enough of that. Please look forward to my future posts. Leave comments if you want to. I would be glad to get to know new people online.

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